This day I had to record so I didn't forget how I was treated by my brother, my mother, and my girlfriend. It was a rough day. I didn't deserve the treatment I got from them. So I recorded it so that nobody later could tell me it's all in my head or it never happened. These are the lengths I have to go through to keep reality in check with my schizoaffective disorder. People act like I fake this disorder, or like it doesn't affect my life by causing paranoia, visual and auditory hallucinations, shame, anger, stress, depression, and a whole host of secondary emotions and problems but most of the problems stem from people lying to me, talking down to me, treating me like I shouldn't be alive, or treating me like i'm not worth their time. And every time these things are done I continue to remember them like they happened in the present moment every time i encounter the people and I have to relive the trauma all over again. Each. And. Every. Time. I don't forget pain....and I've dealt with it enough that my mind couldn't handle it and it formed into schizoaffective disorder in my case. Everyone handles trauma differently. I have to go to these extremes to know that yes it really happened. How I felt at the time. And how helpless I felt at the time. But I got through it even though people made it extremely difficult to have a good day. I still had an overall good day because I didn't react like "old" me. I said my peace and moved on. This is just a reminder when people try to be nice after this day I'll know their truth. I'll forgive them but I can't ever forget it.
This is a reminder.
That in choosing to love someone comes with tolerating and loving the parts of them I don't like about them as well. All of it. All the time they hurt me. All the time they continued to hurt me knowingly. For all the things they did to me and never will tell me they did. For adding more trauma to the trauma I received as a child. For all future pain and trauma they may inflict on me..But I can't (try to) control them. That will never work as much as we want it to. I have to allow them the same courtesy as I would want; to make my own choices. They must be allowed to do the same....However I also have the choice to approve or disapprove of their actions. I don't have to agree but i must allow them to make their own choices no matter what they choose. That being said, If their actions don't match their words....If their actions are negative toward me...If they don't bring positivity into my life....If their life can't accommodate me with equality...Then I always have the choice to leave a bad situation or relationship at my leisure. Because the person who ends up hurt in those types of situations is me while the other people move on with their lives just fine. Their actions will prove to me what actions I need to take whatever I choose to do. And no matter what others say, I will pay attention to their actions. That will be their truth be it positive or negative. I will act accordingly. Let those who want to walk my journey with me prove to me I should bring them into or keep them in my life and I shall do the same. If they don't want what's best for me, then I will remove them from my life. If they only want whats best for me in words only, then I shall keep them at a distance. I only need and want people in my life who will do their best to build ourselves up. And I shall do the same. My journey is taking me to bigger and better things, but not everyone is meant to be on that journey with me. But I must always remember my pain was real(at least to me). The things I endured because of certain people did actually happen. My feelings are valid. And only I get to decide how I forgive someone and keep them in my life or not. The things that keep people in my life now are positive effort, honesty, and proving to me I matter to them more than just using me or taking from me in a negative way. And I shall do my best to do the same. This is just how it has to be from now on. Thank you for today. Thank you for yesterday. And thank you for tomorrow. And at every end, there is a beginning.-
Mark, The Nomothete