This day I had to record so I didn't forget how I was treated by my brother, my mother, and my girlfriend. It was a rough day. I didn't deserve the treatment I got from them. So I recorded it so that nobody later could tell me it's all in my head or it never happened. These are the lengths I have to go through to keep reality in check with my schizoaffective disorder. People act like I fake this disorder, or like it doesn't affect my life by causing paranoia, visual and auditory hallucinations, shame, anger, stress, depression, and a whole host of secondary emotions and problems but most of the problems stem from people lying to me, talking down to me, treating me like I shouldn't be alive, or treating me like i'm not worth their time. And every time these things are done I continue to remember them like they happened in the present moment every time i encounter the people and I have to relive the trauma all over again. Each. And. Every. Time. I don't forget pain....and I've dealt with it enough that my mind couldn't handle it and it formed into schizoaffective disorder in my case. Everyone handles trauma differently. I have to go to these extremes to know that yes it really happened. How I felt at the time. And how helpless I felt at the time. But I got through it even though people made it extremely difficult to have a good day. I still had an overall good day because I didn't react like "old" me. I said my peace and moved on. This is just a reminder when people try to be nice after this day I'll know their truth. I'll forgive them but I can't ever forget it.
Journal entry 05-08-23
journal entry 05/07/23
Just a guy questioning reality, taking accountability, creating boundaries and building a better life for myself and hopefully others too.